How To Talk To Anybody Without Fear of Rejection Part One

THE IMPORTANCE OF MASTERING YOUR CONVERSATION SKILLS

What is the point of having great conversation skills? They serve to create and develop human relationships! Human beings are social creatures and our ability to communicate determines the level of success we will enjoy in life. At the heart of communication lies conversation. When you converse well, amazing doors open to you, clients come pouring in, challenges unlock and new information comes out.

When you master the art of great conversation, you will never again be lonely. You will never again be without friends. If you go through a spate of bad luck - and that can happen to us all from time to time – you know you will always have friends to count on because you will have such a powerful relationship with them that they will stand by your side.

Understanding the rules of conversations, and the insights that turn an ordinary conversation into something extraordinary, is also something that is at the root of any relationship, be it social, romantic or business.

Simply chatting with the person sitting next to me on a plane, standing next to me in a line, or crushed against me at a rock concert, has allowed me to:

• Meet new people, including the girl of my dreams

• Network with powerful business leaders.

• Create a social circle consisting of hundreds of

new friends.

• Amass a string of personal invites to travel across the world.

• Hang out with celebrities in London’s hottest nightspots.

• Develop a successful business with no outlay for resources.

• Keep my schedule full of fun social engagements.

How To Talk To Anybody Without Fear of Rejection

Part One :: Breaking The Ice Smoothly

A lot of us worry about starting a conversation with new people; whether that’s a stranger walking toward them on the street, a cute girl sitting opposite them in a dentist’s waiting room, or a wealthy-looking business man standing behind them in a bank line. This is usually because they harbour anxiety and fear that they will:

1. Look silly for trying to strike up a conversation with people they don’t know.

2. Mess it up and get a brush off. 3. Run out of things to say.

Having conversations with new people can be a hugely liberating experience. You learn so much about the world, develop great relationships with people and certainly will never have to be sat at home again on a Saturday night! I have met and created relationships with many interesting people from numerous walks of life, because I like to chat.

Talking to people creates opportunity where none existed before. Last week, I chatted to a professional abseiler, a stand up comedian, a property magnate, a ballet dancer, an accountant, Scotland’s top card magician, a nightclub owner, an airline pilot and a gentleman who had just climbed Everest. That was in one (busy) street. Needless to say, the opportunity for adventure is often only a phone call away.

But it wasn’t always like this. To make a long story short, I used be shy, quiet and introverted. Looking back I realize I was scared of talking to new people because I feared being rejected off the bat. I was scared they wouldn’t like me, or I’d freeze up as I spoke to them, or I’d open my mouth and fudge it all up. Rather than having to deal with facing all that, I’d clam up and stay silent.

When I was a college freshman I lost count of the times an attractive girl would stand next to me at the bar and I wouldn’t say a word, in case I got a bad response.

Likewise, I remember being at a big business networking event for graduates trying to secure lucrative positions. I had no idea how to mingle and came home without a business card in my pocket.

In all cases, rather than face the risk of breaking the ice, I kept quiet. Needless to say I wasn’t the most socially savvy guy.

In this first section I am going to reveal to you how to remove the risk of a rebuff completely and totally remove the awkwardness of starting new conversations. That means you will never have to:

1. Dread the stomach-churning feeling of rejection again

2.Worry if the conversation will hit a frustrating low point

3. Fear saying something silly, ridiculous or dumb

Instead of that trauma, I can guarantee that you will:

1. Have conversations that open up nicely and naturally

2.Be warmly received when you speak

3. Have the ability to enjoy every conversation you have from this point onwards!

Perhaps all that sounds too good to be true? Well, in this section I’m going to show you how you can make this happen. And best of all, it’s not going to cost you a penny!

Think about it... wouldn’t it feel amazing if you knew that from this point on you would never get a bad reaction when you opened your mouth?

Wouldn’t that make you just want to talk to everyone because you knew you wouldn’t (and couldn’t) get a bad result?

I’m going to teach you the secrets I learned the hard way. All the techniques that have enabled me to meet new people from all round the word, to make friends, create business contacts, build social circles and have adventures.

So here are my first 7 secrets that cause conversations with strangers to open up nicely and naturally, so you never get a bad response from a stranger, instantly rejected from your dream date, or lose the opportunity to meet that big business contact at the other end of the cocktail bar.

Incredibly, it all has to do with what happens before you even open your mouth. The secrets in this section serve one purpose only. And that’s to remove any feelings of anxiety you could have for starting a conversation with a stranger, or even somebody you already know.

Secret One :: How To Get Your Head In The Right Place

Our sense of pride has a lot of control over our ability to hold great conversations. Many people spend a lot of time and effort constructing a self-image, or identity, for themselves that they want others to see. For example, they might pride themselves as a business leader in order to feel important, or ride around in a sports car to show off their idea of ‘success’.

We create an identity when we don’t value our selves properly and have low feelings of self-esteem. An identity helps to paper over the cracks of poor esteem by painting ourselves in the best light: often, not very accurately.

The persona we try to project onto others is very fragile. It’s almost like a balloon that can be popped at anytime. When people ‘lose face’, it’s really their pride, being knocked and it causes a feeling of discord in them. When a person’s ego gets knocked everyone else can peek a look at their true self and see how comfortable they are (or aren’t) with their insecurities.

Insecure people tend to get angry or upset when their ego gets popped so they do their best to maintain it at all times.

That means they:

• Clam up and censor themselves

• Pressure themselves to keep talking and avoid silences

• Worry that what they are saying won’t be interesting

• Doubt their ability to wrestle new subjects

• Stifle their natural ability to be spontaneous

• Get wrapped up in their head rather than enjoying the moment...

...All to avoid saying something silly, making a faux pas or appearing boring, which would hurt their ego. It’s in this way that pride manipulates our behaviors.

If you worry what impression you are making, or are concerned what people think of you, then you have a fear of being judged and have an ego. Just to put your mind at rest I have an ego too: everybody does.

To counter your ego you must build your self-esteem. The greater your self worth, the less you need to maintain a front and the more happy you can be ‘just being yourself’. There are numerous ways to do this, many that I freely explain in videos on my website because this book isn’t big enough; however, one of the more powerful exercises you can do to build self- esteem is to do nice things for people.

It may sound a little wishy-washy, but making the world a nicer place is, by far, the most important thing you can do that will boost your self worth. There is something innately heart warming about going out of your way to help others since you temporarily become a force for good in the world. Looking back, I cannot think of a single time that my self worth has not grown when I have attempted to spread kindness; whether it was accepted or not.

You can spread kindness in a variety of ways: whether it’s giving a compliment to a stranger, helping an old lady carry her shopping bags or building a school in a developing country; all it requires is your effort to go the extra mile to get off your backside and do it! One thing seems clear: the more effort you put in, the more spiritual reward you’ll get back in return.

My friend Alex and I were stuck on a drowsy train carriage, him munching his way through a box of chocolates and me having a snooze. In a random act of kindness, he broke the silence, lent forward and offered each passenger near him a chocolate. A few accepted and Alex told me that made him feel good.

However, his next gesture surprised everyone: he got up from his seat and marched down the aisle extending his offer of free chocolates to everybody! There was lots of curiosity, disbelief and laughter; and the whole carriage erupted into a happy muttering of conversation at Alex’s spectacle; even the grumpy passengers got swept up into it. Alex told me that made him felt great.

Aiming to spread joy like this helps to confer you a history of good deeds in your life. It gives you reason to value yourself as a good person who is not afraid of their ego being judged by others. Another important stepping-stone to reducing your ego is to make peace with anything bad another person could say about you.

For instance, I consider myself the biggest fool in the world! I’m also the biggest moron! And a dozen more things much too crude to put into print! Why I would say such things?

In reality, flaming remarks such as these are really just an attack on our ego, not our true selves. No stranger can have power over you when you make peace with every judgment that you could be afraid of. “It’s true, I am a fool; and I’ve not yet met anyone more foolish, at least in my world. Think you’re bad? I’m worse!”

The only thing that can ever suffer is our pride, and it’s only when we give up on placing value on other people’s opinions of us, do we completely remove their ability to harm or control us with attacks on our ego; we lose our Achilles heel.

I am a free spirit in search of experience in a world that is uncertain. I can only continue to exist in this way when no stranger has any psychological influence over me. To achieve this I have to relinquish any fears they could use to control me.

For this reason, I have no fear of how other people choose to see me because I've realized that people are only going to judge me to reinforce their own feeling of importance about themselves. What's more, any judgement they make about me is going to be strongly determined by their personal outlook on life, which is something that I have very little control over.

Whatever vile, disgusting, terrible thing you could call me –on some level in your perception of reality it could be true. So why fight it? All that will do is reaffirm my sense of pride and strengthen my ego. Better to make peace with it - to accept it... and then, be troubled by nothing.

Embrace judgments against you: it will make them powerless and make you feel empowered. I approve of my true self highly enough to not seek the endorsement of others. This perspective allows me so much more manouvrability in conversations because it frees me to talk about anything without second guessing myself. I can launch into conversations without having to censor myself or worry about what impression I am creating: my ego doesn’t need the validation.

Secret Two :: The Power of Positivity

My good friend Adam has a hypnotic ability to talk to people from all walks of life and befriend them in an almost supernatural way. From actors to architects, role models to super models, his phone book is crammed full of useful contacts that many business moguls would envy and most socialites would scream for. What sets Adam apart from most is his extraordinary outlook on life. His thoughts are always positive in everything he does and his conversation is too.

On account of this, he is happy to walk up to strangers and start chirpy conversations with them. Whether it’s at a park bench, train station foyer or work place cafeteria, you can always find him in a conversation. His mood is always lofty and he realizes that nothing can bring it down, except him. For this reason, walking up to random people at a party carries no fear or anxiety; it’s eclipsed by the audacity of his positivity. When Adam is happy (which is constantly) he makes other people feel happy too; all of his conversations make people feel upbeat because they bathe in the cheerfulness and warmth of his presence.

The extraordinary ability to befriend your customers, act like a host at parties and even walk up to strangers for bubbly conversations, starts with being positive: it is the energy that expresses your charisma. If you doubt this then (you’ll kick me for saying this) you’re being negative.

It’s very straightforward to discipline a positive attitude; after all, it’s just habit.

The following exercise was originally taught to me by my old hair stylist, and has caused many of my students to feel like they have a mighty spring in their step in just a few days. One guy described it as “the most life changing experience [he’d] had in the last 10 years.”

See what you think:

Place an elastic band around your left wrist. Each time you have a negative thought, snap the band against your skin (-ouch!) and then turn the downbeat thought around in your head so it becomes positive.

For example, if you’re suddenly stuck in traffic and find yourself grumbling, stop, snap, then quickly change your take on things. Perhaps you smile and accept the hold- up. Possibly you find a really great song on your radio. Maybe you just think, “Hey life’s not so bad! Things could be worse... and they're not!”

Your goal is to last 7 days without a single negative thought cropping up in your consciousness for more than a split-second...if even at all. If you don’t succeed and a negative thought emerges, for longer than 2 seconds, you start back at Day 1.

Beware: negative thoughts are often very, very subtle. Phrases like: “I can’t be bothered”, “I’d rather stay at home”, or, “I’ll do it later”, and even “I’m tired”, are examples of understated negativity that can be very powerful at chipping away your esteem. Cut them out too. Vocal expressions such as ‘sighs’ and ‘groans’ are also considered negative thoughts in the context of this exercise. If you can make it to ‘Day 7’ you’ll find some amazing changes begin to occur.

Secret Three :: Before You Begin, Make The Conversation Win/Win

A friend of mine, called Yad, is a very talented conversationalist. He’s in his mid-twenties, wears thick-rimmed glasses and sports a big wad of matted hair that resembles a cheerleader’s pom-pom in need of a shampoo.

Not only do people love him from the moment he speaks to them, he never gets a bad response when he breaks the ice. Until I met him I had never known anyone with that kind of consistent talent. I had to know his secret, so I asked him: “How are you always able to make all your conversations begin so elegantly and in such an easy and natural manner?”

He turned round to me and said: “Well, I just know it’s going to go great because I have a history of every conversation before that going great too!”

I sat down and reflected about what he said. I realized Yad was telling me that he had acquired his superior conversation skills because every social interaction he had ever taken part in had gone well: so it was reasonable for him to assume that every conversation he would have in the future would also follow suit. It seemed that Yad had created a self-fulfilling prophecy for himself.

Since he began every conversation with a comfortable, yet understated confidence, it was hard for strangers not to respond to him favorably and give him even more positive feedback to draw upon. This continued to help him exude a warm, authentic vibe that most people are hardwired to be receptive to.

But that still didn’t really solve the mystery of what made him so good in the first place. I realized that when I started a new conversation with a stranger I wasn’t stepping onto the plate with a 100% batting average behind me. I wondered how I too could get this great “history” of amazing conversations he spoke about. After all, a fair amount of the conversations I had did go well, but a few flopped and the odd one stunk.

Then I realized something very powerful. I realized that most people, at the back of their mind, believe that any new conversation they begin will either go ‘really well’ or ‘really badly’.

By going ‘really well’, it might mean they make the person smile, laugh or have a really absorbing discussion. By going ‘really badly’ it might mean the conversation hangs, falls apart or they draw a blank and run out of things to say.

It occurred to me that I had always approached conversation with the mindset it will either be a success or a failure. Consequently, I’d tag the experience with one of those two labels, then file it away somewhere at the back of my mind. If somebody stumbles on their words eight times in a row, they’ll remember it as eight failures in a row, not funny slip ups, and they won’t have a good history of conversational competence to fall back on.

I wondered how could I change all that? How could I ensure every conversation would go well so I could build up a great history of success like my friend had done? Well, I’m happy to say that after lots of thinking, I’ve hit on the answer: I’ve changed what’s written on my labels.

Before I begin talking I think to myself that “this conversation will go really, really well, or it’s going to be really, really funny.” This outlook ensures that whatever reaction I get in the conversation will either be put into the ‘really good box’ or in the ‘really funny box’. There are no other boxes. The bottom line is that it doesn’t matter where it actually gets filed to because I’m drawing a positive result from the experience both ways and that helps keep my vibe happy helping to generate further success.

Here is an example that occurred recently: it was a cold day so I decided to buy a homeless man a cup of hot chocolate with my spare change: who doesn’t like hot chocolate? Apparently homeless men: when I took it up to him he looked at it quizzically and asked gruffly “have you spat in it?” I assured him I hadn’t but he would not accept it.

Once upon a time I might’ve decided that this experience had gone really badly because I pretty much got rejected. Now, because I decided in advance that the conversation was already destined to go into the ‘really good box’ or the ‘really funny box’, the experience simply got put into the funny box. I certainly had a chuckle about it.

The next conversation I had occurred a few minutes later. I was still trying to give away this cursed cup of chocolate to someone in need of it. I saw a cold-looking police officer, and although I hadn’t actually spat in the hot chocolate, I decided to offer it to her. Smiling, I approached her and said “I decided I was going to give this cup of hot chocolate to the next cold-looking person I saw... congratulations, it’s you!” A huge smile stretched across her face and she said: “You’re so lovely but I can’t accept it or my boss will tell me off!” Her stern faced, uniformed boss eyeballed us from across the street. I replied: “Look, I can’t get rid of this damn thing!. The last person I offered it to reckoned I had spat in it! And now you wont take it either! Hopefully it’ll be third time lucky!” She giggled and we chatted some more.

In retrospect, I had put the previous experience of the homeless man into my funny box and it came out again during the very next conversation I had, which caused someone else to laugh. Whenever you begin a conversation it’s important to remember that it’s going to go either really well or be really funny. Regardless, you’ll find that if it’s a positive result you get a type of snowball effect, where each new conversation begins on a stronger footing, thanks to how you reacted to the last.

Secret Four :: Smiling Is Your Magic Bullet

This is perhaps one of the most powerful secrets. Before I even begin to speak I am smiling. The biggest fear other people have when a stranger approaches them is “could this person be a threat?”

Smiling instantly removes this fear and makes people comfortable in your presence because it sub- communicates you are about to bring some joy into their world. It's pretty difficult to reject nice, friendly people. And as my friend Jade recently observed: “No one wants to shoot a puppy!”

When I teach people face-to-face, I lay supreme emphasis on the importance of smiling. The trouble is that poor conversationalists just don’t do it for long enough; instead they grin modestly and begin talking.

This sets off a really insincere vibe, sometimes it’s even creepy. A grin is an insincere smile; it is unemotional and communicated through the mouth alone. Furthermore, often the teeth do not show. Subconsciously, a grin tells the onlooker that we are not emotionally stirred by their presence; not a good way to leave a person better off than when we found them. Avoid this by having your face figuratively glowing. You will be extremely hard pressed to encounter any sort of rejection when you do this.

Some people have asked me whether they should hide their crooked teeth. Showing your teeth, crooked or otherwise, is a lot better than having a grin because it causes your eyes to scrunch up, or ‘twinkle’. When your whole face is alight it makes the recipient feel good about themselves on a deep emotional level.

The next time you find yourself approaching somebody, look at them in the eyes and smile at them. In fact, let your face show a big warm smile, the type that says:

“I’m feeling fantastic...and even better now for seeing you!”

People form impressions within seconds of meeting you; a lot of groundwork can be done by wearing a smile. A smile lays a firm foundation with another person by telling them that you like their presence, you are open to them and not a threat and that their state of emotion will positively change in the moments following your meeting with them.

When you need to ask somebody for directions, smile before you speak. Better yet giggle! If you need to squeeze past somebody who is blocking your way, smile before you interrupt them. Incidentally, my friend Sasha has got an amusing habit for this. Every time he squeezes past someone he smiles cheekily and says “ooh, that was lovely!” That always gets him a laugh.

If you buy tickets for the theatre, smile at the clerk in the kiosk before a single sound sneaks past your lips.

The biggest mistake I see time and again with clients is that they do not smile for long enough when talking to new people. They are not consistent because smiling is not yet a habit for them. You want to hold your smile constantly, so before you speak, smile. The differences in response you get are astonishing; try it out.

Exercise: Here’s how to maximize your existing smile...

1. Most of your smile is not revealed through the mouth; a smile is projected through body language- so stand up straight, hold your head up, don’t frown, and begin your smile with your eyes.

2. Get a mirror and look at your eyes. Raise your eyebrows and smile with your mouth as wide as you can allow. Let your teeth show. If you smile with your mouth before your eyes you look like you’re faking it. Practice smiling with your eyes only: let them sparkle and open up wide and bright.

3. Cover the lower part of your face with a piece of card. Play around with it a bit, and you’ll find that you can make your mouth smile when your eyes aren’t smiling, and you can also smile only with your eyes. When your eyes do smile, remember how it feels, which muscles are working and how. With practice, you’ll be able to smile with your eyes at will.

4. You can’t walk around everywhere holding a mirror, so when you know you have pulled a smile that you are happy with; remember how it makes you feel. It is the sensation of this feeling that you want to replicate in your mind because your perfect smile will show as a by-product from it.

5. Not everybody has perfect teeth, and that’s okay. Perfect teeth are nice, but a great smile doesn’t depend on them; if it did most of the British population would be in trouble. If you feel uncomfortable about your teeth you may be reluctant to smile, and that’s no good. If that’s the case, either learn to appreciate your individuality or look into cosmetic dentistry procedures.

Secret Five :: Start Your Conversations For Altruistic Reasons

Before you begin talking to people it’s best to have a genuine reason to start speaking. Now that may sound obvious but every conversation starts because of: i) the desire to impress others; or, ii) the need to express yourself. I wonder if you can already guess what the best reason will be?

When we desire to impress others with what we say, we are showing off, simple as that. Our reasons for speaking is egotistical because we want to be warmly received and feel validated by our actions. Now when we desire to simply express ourselves something interesting happens: our conversations begin in a much more natural and relaxed manner because we are less concerned by the outcome of the conversation. The conversation will carry a genuine and authentic vibe and the people you talk to will tend to subconsciously notice this and respond favorably.

I have several altruistic reasons I use to start a conversation.

Impulse. That’s when I get so caught up in a moment of time that I want to share a great thought, idea or observation with the person stood closest to me. I’m smiling so I’m often warmly received. Let’s say you meet somebody just after midnight New Years Eve and greeted them with a rousing “Happy New Year!” That would be an example of beginning a conversation on impulse.

Curiosity. If I happen to spot something about somebody that interests me, I’ll talk to them about it. It could be an item of clothing that they’re wearing, the happy expression on their face, or the breed of dog that they’re taking for a walk. Either way, if it piques my curiosity I’ll ask them. First, I’ll smile and then point and say something like “Hey! I’m super-curious, where did you get that? I like it!”

Amusement. Whenever I’ve just had a funny thought or heard a funny joke, I will often want to share it with somebody to make them smile too. I find telling jokes as soon as I hear them helps me remember them. I want my interactions with people to be fun because when other people smile and laugh I am often laughing too. Typically I’ll start a conversation “Hey I know this is random, but I just heard the funniest joke and since my friends aren’t around I’ll have to share it with you to see what you think...”

Necessity. This relies on the idea that you need to ask information from somebody about something. For example, let’s say you needed to find a post office in the town you’re in, you’d ask somebody for directions. These types of conversations, whilst easy going are often short because they terminate as soon as you get the answers you need. To keep the conversation going, you need to be able to transition your conversations elegantly by changing the subject.

In each of these examples I am not seeking to impress by being liked or admired. I do not consider if someone likes me, or not. Instead, my aim is to simply enjoy my time as I talk by expressing my opinions in an un-stifled way; and maybe the other person will as well.

Secret Six :: The Crucial First Ten Seconds

Hopefully, you’re feeling positive, happy and in charge of an assassins smile. Now you’re ready to step up and break the ice with people.

The first ten seconds are critical: this moment determines the vibe of the interaction and how the rest of the conversation will play out. Start well and everything after that will feel natural; muck it up and everything afterwards will feel awkward. This is ‘make or break’ time for your conversation; so let’s stack the odds of success in your favor.

Before you start conversing you must ensure that you have fully captured the other person’s attention. If you fail to make a dent on their radar, they won’t be ready to listen to you - or they’ll be caught off guard and clam up. You’ll know when this happens because you’ll be greeted with an awkward silence after you break the ice... and, approximately five seconds later, a feeling of regret that you even bothered.

This is a common mistake. Many of my past clients failed to do this during our one-on-one coaching sessions. I found that they would launch into a conversation before they had won the other person’s attention. When this happened, their counterpart was not really listening to a thing that they were saying. Understandably the whole exchange would become a bit of an awkward mess.

Even so, grabbing another person’s attention is easy and straightforward. Just say “Hi!”, “Hey!” or “Hey, excuse me.” The crucial step is to wait for them to acknowledge you before you utter another sentence. If they don’t, repeat your opening line and wait again.

Let me stress: no further dialogue should leave your lips until your counterpart’s eyes are fixed squarely on you. Do not continue to expand on what you are going to say until you have their undivided attention. This might mean that you smile and relax back into silence for a few seconds. Hold firm, smile and give your opposite number time to snap out of their current thought pattern and focus on you.

Once you have a person’s attention you now need do something with it. At this point I’d recommend that you continue your conversation with a ‘pre-frame’. This is a short line that sets up your listener for the new experience that they’re about to have. You’ll hear pre- frames inadvertently being used in conversations all the time.

For example, when someone tells a joke they might pre- frame it by saying: “Here, you’ll laugh at this” and we automatically assume that what they say will be amusing. We may even feel pressure to laugh at their joke – even if it isn’t funny.

Perhaps you’ve heard somebody say: “Don’t take this the wrong way” and felt the need to put your guard up. In this case, the pre-frame automatically prepared you to hear a conversation laced with criticism.

I'm sure you can appreciate that using a pre-frame is immensely powerful because it can elegantly control how the vibe, and rest of the conversation, will develop. Here are some pre-frames that I have found to be particularly useful in everyday conversation:

Talking to a random person:

Excuse me... I know this is completely random, but Hey...I don’t want to sound crazy or anything, but Okay... you’ve just made my day.

Sharing an amusing observation:

Hey...this’ll make you laugh.

Okay...I can tell you have a good sense of humor. You know...I don’t want to share the best joke ever, but

Saying something predictable:

Hey... I know I’m going to sound predictable, but Excuse me...this is going to sound boring, but Okay...this is probably the most lackluster thing I’ve said all day, but

Building curiosity through uncertainty:

You know...you’re probably going to want to kill me, but Hey...you’re not going to like this, but

Excuse me... this is probably the worst thing to say in this situation, but

Breaking social protocol:

Hi...I know you’re not supposed to talk in here, but Hey...I know this isn’t normally allowed, but

Okay...I know I’m going against the crowd here, but

When breaking the ice a good pre-frame will acknowledge the social rules that you are about to break. For example, if you start talking to some random person in an elevator it may come across as weird; invisible social rules suggest we’re not supposed to do that. Happily, if you can anticipate this awkwardness then you can remove it by mentioning it in your pre-frame: “This is the weirdest thing, but I thought I’d start a conversation with the next person I met in the elevator!”

Now you’re ready to start a conversation.

Here’s a quick recap of what the first 10 seconds of your next conversation should look like:

1. Feel positive.

2.Accept that your next conversation will either ‘go really well or it will be really funny.’

3. Smile happily before you begin to talk.

4.Look for something genuine to say.

5.Capture the other person’s attention by saying “Hey!” and wait until they look over.

6.Use a pre-frame to create a friendly vibe and sidestep any awkwardness before you launch into talking.

SECRET 7

AN EFFECTIVE WAY TO PULL GREAT TOPICS OUT OF THIN AIR

There is a knack to having the right thing to say at the right time, so that starting a conversation feels natural rather than forced. When you bring the perfect topic to the proceedings you will catch your listener’s attention and maintain it.

It can be very frustrating when you have nothing to talk about yet want to begin a conversation with somebody. I use to struggle for icebreakers when I was sat next to somebody in a waiting room or plane trip. One way to pull a fitting topic out of thin air is to make a dramatic statement. This is a declaration backed up with positive, happy energy as you deliver it.

To make your dramatic statement authentic, you need to find something that you genuinely admire, or find curious about the person.

“Wow! This is going to sound random but I love those shoes, they look like they came from somewhere exotic!”

Developing your observational capabilities will really help with finding something to draw attention to. An exotic item of jewelery, peculiar bag or a ruffled newspaper carried under the arm can all pique your interest to get a conversation started easily:

“Wow! You know...that newspaper looks well-read; the editor will be happy today!”

You can also make dramatic statements about your environment. This is particularly useful if you the person you wish to speak to is seated nearby:

“Wow!...I don’t want to sound crazy or anything, but it’s so hot in here I think we should’ve dressed for the beach!”

As a rule of thumb, consider that the more trouble you have to endure in order to make an opening statement the greater the raw energy and passion you should exude in your delivery. Hopefully you’ve realized by now that a pre-frame helps here too.

For example, if the person you approach has seen you walk 20 yards through a crowded room so you can to talk to them then you better have a pretty good reason for doing so. Otherwise you will come off as incongruent: you will look like you are talking to them because you want something from them rather than sharing your passion for whatever has caught your eye about them.

To my knowledge there is no magic ‘line’ that will mechanically start any conversation effortlessly and smoothly every time. However, observational questions come close. This technique relies on you to look at somebody and make a positive assumption about him or her that sticks out in your mind, then share it.

Clothing is a good place to start because it gives you an indication about a person’s immediate background. For example, if a person dressed in training slacks there is a reasonable chance that they may be on their way to the gym.

Whether this assumption is correct does not matter because it is at least reasonable:

“Oh wow! I wish I were disciplined enough to go and train. How long have you been hitting the gym for?”

Maybe you see a man walking a dog. We can assume he is either a dog owner or hired dog walker; either way his pet plays an important part in his life.

“Blimey! ...You’ve just made my day! Do you ever feel like he is taking you for a walk?”

Perhaps you spy a large group of people who obviously know each other. We can assume that something has brought them all together.

“Wow! ...I have to ask, what’s the occasion?”

If your assumption is wrong they will tell you. Regardless, once dialogue is being exchanged you have started a conversation. To keep it going you will need to barrel through with enthusiasm until you segue into another topic; something we will look into shortly.

As you become more confident, you might just assume a person will know the answer to a question that you need an answer to. For example, you have no idea if somebody watches much primetime television, but you could still ask him or her:

“Excuse me! What time is ‘X-Factor’ on tonight?”

A person’s physical behavior is also very useful to observe. Somebody buttoning up a jacket is probably cold, or fashion-conscious. Somebody yawning probably had a late night, or a very early start. A person continuously looking at their watch might have an important interview, or a romantic rendezvous, on the cards. Do your best to fill in the blanks and use your curiosity to start talking.

“Hey! Just curious, first time late for a date?”

Whether you are stood queuing up next to somebody in a cafeteria or walking past somebody in the street, get used to firing off these little questions based on assumptions you have. Make a guess about their behavior and creatively fill in the blanks with your own imagination. These little conversational starters are meant to sound easy, casual and authentic. Developing this habit will do far more for your natural conversational skills than rehearsing a clever line to say.