How To Talk To Anyone Without Fear of Rejection
PART 3: THE MECHANICS OF GREAT CONVERSATION (SOME NUTS AND BOLTS THAT KEEP IT TOGETHER)
Several years ago, right after a university lecture, I found myself in a pub across the street from my campus. This was typical behavior for us students, chugging drinks in our local boozer and getting a second education from the dusty quiz machine in the corner. However, this time one of our more colorful professors had decided to turn up unexpectedly and he dragged his industrious friend from the city in tow.
My friends and I tried to ignore the pair, but pubs being the social hive of activity they are, we ended up chatting at the bar. I learned that my professor’s colleague was the head of a huge multinational company (who you will have definitely have heard) and hungry employer of graduates. When I found this out I suddenly felt very intimidated by his new prominence.
By the time I shook his hand my heart was racing. We exchanged some pleasantries and things started off well: “Great place, this is.” I cheerfully observed. He smiled and agreed, and then he asked me a bit about myself.
All I could think of was that he was a millionaire and if I made a good impression I’d have a high profile job by the following summer. Nevertheless, the ice was broken and I was speaking to somebody who could open some very attractive doors for me.
“Lovely place in here!” I mused again, in an attempt to retread some familiar ground. He agreed a second time but then the conversation stalled and I froze up. We looked at each other in a silence that felt like a static picture, until he smiled and went off to mingle with my associates.
I finished my beer, made my excuses and left for home but several of my college acquaintances chatted with him long into the night. They played pool and he bought them drinks. I know this because they now work for his company. Although I missed the boat that time round, it reinforced to me how valuable it is to be able to maintain a good conversation!
Once your conversation is flowing, it’s advantageous to understand how to maintain it and keep the emotional vibe buoyant. It can be very frustrating to start a conversation off well only to have it disintegrate. Particularly when you consider that the longer your conversation lasts, the greater the sense of rapport you will build between you and your counterpart.
The secrets described in this section will help you to demonstrate smoothness; a quiet wisdom in your conversations that reveals your deeper understanding of social dynamics in human interactions. Smoothness is lubricant to conversations; it holds them together and permits you to recover from mistakes and blunders you make whilst helping you have more manouverability in the topics you discuss. One day soon I intend to write a book dedicated to charm, but for now here are 7 closely related secrets:
SECRET 15 SILENCE IS GOLDEN
Do you remember the last time that an awkward silence appeared from nowhere in your conversation? We try hard to cover silence up because it feels so damn uncomfortable! It seems that when you’re frantically searching for more things to talk about, each passing second in the void feels like a lifetime. Ironically, the person you are talking to probably feels the same thing and might also be wondering: “what do I say next?” Silence is a natural part of any good conversation: a yin to the yang of speaking.
However, its inevitable occurrence doesn’t mean that your conversation has to slip into an abyss of embarrassment.
It helps to understand that there are a couple of reasons why silence occurs. When new topics have not been introduced, accepted, or built upon in the conversation, an uncomfortable silence creep will up. On the other hand, if the conversation has lots of emotion then finding words to express the mood is not always necessary.
In essence, there are two types of silence you will encounter: comfortable and awkward (there are variations, such as a ‘sexy silence’, but everything else falls somewhere between these two). Whilst awkward silence makes us panic and lose our composure, comfortable silence fills us with a warm happy feeling. What causes the discreet difference between the two? Simple: comfortable silence is mutually agreed upon, while awkward silence isn’t.
This is why you can spend hours sat in a comfortable silence with friends: you both have given each other an unwritten permission to forgo talking. New acquaintances won’t grant you that nice little moderation - until they feel at ease in your presence.
We find awkward silence difficult because both parties in the conversation are immediately aware that it’s not wanted; the pressure to remove it grows with each lull in talking. This effect snowballs to the point where the pressure of filling silences with mundane chitchat outweighs any enjoyment that was once there.
Ironically, if we didn’t feel the need to remove the silence in the first place we wouldn’t have any pressure to fill it. It’s the pressure that removes joy from the conversation, not the silence.
Get comfortable with silence. When you don’t feel the need to remove it, you won’t end up spitting out drivel in a desperate attempt to escape periods of stillness. It’s better to add good content to a conversation when you’re ready to do so; when you value what you are talking about your counterparts will subconsciously sense that it is worth listening to and become more receptive.
Have fun and test yourself: intentionally try not to speak in the middle of a conversation. Instead, smile and focus on relaxing without the need to prepare something to say when the other person has finished - you may find any one of the following things happen to the other person:
i. They will ask you a question in an attempt to get rid of the lull because they are feeling the pressure.
ii. They will understand and become silent too. When this happens you will share a moment of stillness and the rapport between you will strengthen.
iii. They will look ill at ease, which in turn might make you feel a little uncomfortable too. This creates an awkward silence. When this happens, stick with the exercise and keep smiling: you’re doing this to get used to discomfort, remember?
If you repeat the exercise a few times you should notice that your counterparts will try to fill gaps in conversation by asking you questions, or delving back into previous conversation topics – a telltale sign that they are trying to seek rapport with you.
There is a strong relationship between being comfortable with silence and acquiring better listening skills. Poor conversationalists just wait for their turn to talk and often neglect to build upon what the other person has said. To counter this, try these 2 tips:
1. Be sure to pause for about five seconds before you reply to what someone else has said. This charming technique really shows people that you are listening to them and taking the time to fully process what they have said. The net effect is that they will appreciate your social aptitude and value what you have to say even more.
2.If you ask somebody a question, dwell in a happy silence until they reply. Poor conversationalists will yap on at this point, in order to fill in the gap as their counterpart mulls over a reply. Influential conversationalists will ask a question then use the pressure of silence to lever their counterpart to answer; making them invest further into the conversation and open up more.
If you happen to be in a situation where you feel you just can’t bare the silence, I want to offer you one final technique that should take away all the pain. Awkward silence is something that everyone is aware of but doesn’t mention. If you draw attention to what you are both thinking the pressure will dissipate. With a smile on your face, say: “Oh no! Not the dreaded awkward silence!” will do the trick. The pressure is removed because it has been made a source of humor. However, if you’re feeling a bit gutsy, opt with: “Okay, I refuse to have an awkward silence! So instead, we’re both going to stand here quiet -until it goes away!”
There’s no need to fear silence. Good conversation is simply expression and sometimes silence can express something much better than words can. Explore silence just as you are doing so with conversation, they are two harmonious opposites. They can compliment each other in the most amazing of ways. If you can take someone from good conversation to comfortable silence and back to good conversation you will have a rare talent and be loved for it. Here’s a nice thought: you’ve just learnt how to do it - all you have to do now is practice.
SECRET 16
HOW TO CHANGE SUBJECTS EFFORTLESSLY
If you don’t change the topic of conversation as you talk then the exchange will either become very monotonous or burn out. Conversations should naturally evolve when you expand upon new offers to seemingly create multiple topics that can be discussed one after another... or even simultaneously! A very elegant way to switch conversations quickly is to use a linking sentence to join two topics together.
Here are three linking sentences that I find useful:
"It’s just like when..." "That reminds me..." "By the way..."
Linking sentences will allow you to smoothly move from one topic to another, even if those two topics have nothing in common. Provided you keep talking most people won’t realize when you make a deliberate jump from one subject to another.
For example:
“Last night I was driving my car down the freeway and it was very icy so I needed to drive carefully...it’s just like when you go on holiday and you’re sat in your seat and it’s really uncomfortable during takeoff. All of a sudden you have to take extra care not to spill your coffee and learn how to put a life jacket on as a baby is crying behind you.”
What you’ll find is that people may initially be aware that you’ve made a random jump; but if you brave it and keep talking they’ll just go along with it and forget how you deliberately connected the two conversations together.
Deliberately jumping conversational topics is also very effective for storytelling. It allows you to leave your story completely unresolved by opening up a new thing to talk about. Since all people have an inbuilt need for closure, they tend to want to listen more attentively and invest more of their time into the conversation so they can find out what you were originally going to say.
You might be talking about one subject that secures their attention and then deliberately choose to leave it unresolved. For example:
“I actually had the scariest job in high school and it was terrifying ...that reminds me, we must go and get something to eat! I know a great place and the food there is really wonderful at the moment ...by the way, when was the last time you had a proper Sunday roast?”
Your listeners will develop an innate urge to stick around so they can find a conclusion to what spiked their attention in the first place: in this case, your scary job at high school. This is very useful for getting people to seek rapport with you.
SECRET 17
TALK ABOUT THE (WHITE) ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM
If we’re in a free flowing conversation we shouldn’t be censoring our thoughts: raw dialogue should just be coming out to keep the vibe of the conversation alive.
A lot of us worry that we will say something dumb, or do something stupid when we talk. This type of unhelpful thinking made me a quiet, shy guy for years. The trouble is, we can’t avoid the inevitable: at some point we will say something that could potentially get us a lousy reaction and make us feel awkward in some way.
Poor conversationalists try to deal with this feeling by ignoring it in a veiled attempt to hide their mistake (the so- called 'elephant in the room'). This makes them feel and look like the least important person in the conversation. I recommend doing the opposite and drawing more attention to *the blunder: talk about the gaffe you made with revelery and paint that elephant white (in Southeast Asia mythical ‘white elephants’ are highly prized icons!)
Acting as if nothing happened puts you in a weak position where you are hoping for your counterpart to silently forgive you.
For example, perhaps you approach somebody to start a conversation and trip up: only to carry on walking normally. It’s common to brush off a little mishap like this to maintain our sense of pride. When life deals me these sorts of cards I blow the event up and make it even bigger: I’ll trip up again, and do a slapstick tumble and roll across the room. This reaction almost seems counter intuitive but it removes and improves on the original blunder and demonstrates that you are comfortable in your own skin.
If I do something dumb, like spit on somebody as I talk (tip: don’t stand too close when we meet!) I’ll immediately make this the focus of discussion: “Oh wow! I completely sprayed you just then as I talked to you; I expect you were after the news, not the weather!” That’ll cause the other person to chuckle and lighten the mood of discomfort than if I had ignored my blunder.
Sometimes I’ll rescue a gaffe, like getting someone’s name wrong, by using a theatre technique called ‘the fourth wall.’ This means I’ll turn to an invisible, make- believe audience and narrate the scene aloud. Let’s say I called a female worker by a wrong name:
“Yes Mum, I got these two black eyes when I got Jessica’s name wrong and called her Samantha....yes Mum, she did forgive me. After she broke my nose in two places and the bleeding eventually stopped.”
Similarly, if I tell a joke that falls flat, which happens a lot, I tend to confront any bemused or unimpressed faces with:
“...And on that bombshell, let’s move on!”
It doesn’t matter if you use a token line or you just roll your eyebrows; when you acknowledge what the audience is probably thinking, you will be good to continue. If I say something really bad in formal conversation, like mentioning The War to the Germans (after all, they were the runners-up), then my play is to apologize and acknowledge what they are most likely thinking, that I am ”an idiot”. If you run yourself into the ground it makes it tricky for others to as well.
SECRET 18
DON’T REVIVE DEAD TOPICS
Have you ever been talking to somebody when the conversation stalled into silence and you tried to rekindle it by bringing up a previous topic again? Perhaps you were talking about the nice, sunny weather, and the conversation switched to the state of the roads. Suddenly it felt as if the topic had come to its natural conclusion so, to avoid a silence, you say: “...So the weather looks like it’s still holding up, that’s nice.”
It often feels awkward to revisit a previous topic because you now look like you’re either trying too hard to avoid an uncomfortable silence, or worse, impress them.
Having a conversation is like walking backwards into the unknown; we have no idea what’s going to happen in the immediate future but we can look back and see the path we’ve already carved out. To keep a conversation feeling fresh, exciting and dynamic it is important you keep it moving forward into the unknown. Not back into the past where topics have been expanded upon and are now comfortable but stale.
www.YourCharismaCoach.com
Occasionally you may be talking with somebody about a subject only to be interrupted by a phone call, or some event going on nearby. Perhaps a stranger interjects to ask you for the time. Momentarily the conversation will get broken off. At this point, never bring your subject up again unless the other person is eager to get back to talking about it.
If they don’t re-engage your topic, drop it -even if it was riveting stuff. They are telling you that they weren’t really as hooked on your topic as you were. Poor conversationalists will go right back to a comfortable, worn-in subject the first chance they get, and it makes them look like they were waiting to feel important again. This shows they weren’t too bothered by what their counterpart had to say.
The job of the conversation is to move onto different topics. Sometimes I’ll have a great joke or observation I want to pitch in, only for the chatter to move onto something else. For example, I might be talking about elephants and have a great gag lined up. Then a small disaster happens: As I’m about to throw my joke into the fray, the topic changes to package holidays. Adding “...two elephants fell off a cliff. Boom Boom.” suddenly feels out of context. I’ve learnt that in these scenarios it is more socially savvy to ditch the cheesy gag, let the conversation flow and trust yourself to think of a better joke next time.
Moving forwards in a conversation indirectly says something about you as a person. Being capable of constantly introducing new topics, without difficulty or anxiety, implies to your listeners that you’re confident. And if you’re confident socially they’ll feel more trust in you, because they’ll know you’ll look after them and not let the conversation do a nosedive.
The irony of course is, as your partner begins to relax into the conversation, they’ll be able to contribute more useful topics as well, leading to a great relationship being built!
www.YourCharismaCoach.com
SECRET 19
BE WISE BEFORE THE EVENT
People often ask me how I’m able to stream lots of funny observations and interesting topics out of thin air. I certainly wasn’t born with that gift; I developed it over time and you can too.
Whenever I walk around, no matter what I’m doing, whether it’s going shopping, wandering about in the street or on a car journey, I‘m always quietly looking for those little things in life that make me smile. This could be something simple, like a puppy chasing its tail, or daft, like a small child coloring in a dinosaur. These sorts of things are always occurring but we often seem to miss them because we’re much too busy focusing on all the other noise. When I start to consciously look for funny stuff, my awareness becomes tuned into finding it. This behavior helps me to get into the habit of developing lots of amusing interpretations of things in my head; I might not share all of them with the people I meet, but more often than not, some will pop up in future conversations. This happens when I can relate an amusing observation to the topic being discussed.
For example: I bought a new corkscrew earlier in the week: one of those nice swanky chrome ones. When I got it home I saw a label on the back of the packaging that read: “not designed for synthetic corks”. I checked: every wine bottle I own has a synthetic cork. I found it amusing that the only thing that got screwed... was me! I expect that story won’t win any awards at a comedy festival but it certainly allowed me to make a conversation I had about buying bottles of wine a lot more fun. Most of the time what makes something funny is the emotion behind the joke, rather than the joke itself. Chances are that if you find it rib-ticklingly funny, your opposite number will too. Regardless, my emotional vibe tends be a lot happier when I’m looking for things to laugh about and this invariably rubs off on the conversations I have.
I also like to learn a few terrible jokes. I get a lot of enjoyment from telling them and this brightens my day a lot; just short gags that can be fired off quickly.
“So a mushroom walks into the bar and says to the bartender “Hey, could I get a beer please?”
The bartender shakes his head and says: “Sorry mate, we don’t serve food here....”
The mushroom replies: “Why not? I’m a Fungi!”
From my experience it seems the cheesier the humor, the more accessible it is to everyone else. If a kid understands it, then the worst an adult will do is smile (and sometimes groan!). Polished gags are perfect for the stage, but if you’re not a professional comedian, you’ll have more success at tickling someone’s emotions when the punch line sounds like something you’d hear in a playground. Remember: the shorter the joke the less awkward you’ll feel if it falls flat.
www.YourCharismaCoach.com
Not all conversations you have will be ‘laugh-a-minute chuckle-fests,’ and to prep for those it’s good to be well read. I had an idea a while ago to buy a concise encyclopedia. Now the great thing about this is you can have the world at your fingertips in a little paperback that costs 10 bucks. Place your encyclopedia somewhere that you are going to spend a reasonable amount of time; you'll find mine on my desk, on my lounge coffee table... maybe even next to my toilet (shush!). I’ll leaf through it when I’m bored and read up on a random topic: anything from Aristotle to Zappa. This helps build up my general knowledge without too much academic grunt work. I also keep up to date with hotly debated global affairs thanks to my subscription to National Geographic magazine.
Later on when I’m talking to somebody the topic of conversation might move onto an area that I’ve read about or maybe a reference emerges that I can relate to and talk about. You don’t necessarily have to know every subject you talk about inside out, but you should have a general overview to get you started. From there you can ask questions and expand your knowledge further.
SECRET 20
HOW TO END A CONVERSATION WITHOUT BEING RUDE
Perhaps it seems a bit peculiar to have a part of this book dedicated to showing you how to finish up conversations; after all, the last 19 tips have all been based on keeping them going! Ending conversations elegantly is a skill in itself. I’d always find it a hassle to get out of a conversation in a nice way. The fear of doing this poorly often kept me trapped talking, often when there are other people in the room that I’d like to meet.
Ready to end the conversation? You don’t need an excuse. Say something positive and then give your parting comment. For example: “It’s been a pleasure talking to you today. I need to speak with someone over there.” Signal the end of the conversation by offering your hand to shake and say something like, “I really enjoyed meeting you.” Handshakes are great because they are general social cues that subconsciously mark introductions and departures between people.
If you do choose to give a reason why you are ending your conversation it will make your departure much more genuine. The easiest way to give a reason for anything is to use the word “because”. For example, if I need to leave because I want to meet other people I’ll say: “Sorry, I’m going to have to dart off in a bit because I have a few more people to see but it was a brilliant to meet you”. I tend to cap conversations off with ‘it’s a pleasure to meet you’, because there is something quite charming about leaving on a positive note. You never know when you’re going to see that person next. That high-note also gives me a justification to collect that person’s contact details. I’ll whip out my phone and say: “What’s the best way to stay in touch with you?”
Don’t offer or accept new topics. For instance, if someone tells you that they’ve just taken their car in for a service at the garage, don’t try and get the final word in. I think we all like to get the satisfaction of making a final parting shot. The trouble is this rekindles the conversation. Replying “Oh really? I remember when my car went in for a service and it was so expensive.” Now you have potentially opened up a conversation on ‘cars’, ‘expenses’ and ‘money’.
When you are trying to leave a conversation, the best way to deal with new offers is simply to acknowledge them, but not expand further on them. In effect, you are blocking the emotional flow of chat. Hence, you might say “Oh? Good luck with that”, or you might say “Oh wow, that sounds interesting” then wait. You may have to go through a few cycles of this but eventually the conversation will gently lose steam because you are bringing nothing to the table and letting your counterpart do all the work... and you’ll be free to slink away.
In conclusion, you are not adding any new information but you are acknowledging them to make sure you take care of them on an emotional level, by showing that their ideas have value to you. Yet at the same time you are also presenting them a reason for leaving (use “because”), which implies that you are not leaving on their account –and then you make your exit.
SECRET 21
TALK TO EVERYONE, EVERYWHERE
It’s great knowing you can have total conversational mastery, but there is a problem and it’s called “analysis paralysis”. This phenomenon occurs when you know what you need to do to improve your skills, but you have to make the effort to put it into practice. Sometimes that can feel like a really large jump: going out into the big wide world and trying this stuff out: Yikes!
For that reason, I want to make it a lot easier for you. I want to make it so you get to practice and try these techniques but you won’t have the initial stress of forcing yourself to do it. All I want you to do is follow this one principal, which took my skills from shy guy to social livewire:
‘If you pay somebody money, you’ve also bought the right to talk to them.’
The reality of this means that if you go to a cafe and buy a coffee then you’re going to get a free conversation thrown in too. If you buy a new jacket, guess what, you’re going to talk to the store clerk. Get the idea?
By doing this you’ll find that you’ll be able to practice your conversation skills as you go about your daily routine. I believe that you shouldn’t make a point to go out and practice these skills solely for the sake of it: instead you should develop them in an authentic and congruent manner by incorporating them into whatever your existing lifestyle is.
If you buy groceries, chat with the person putting the transaction through for you. Even if it’s just asking them “Hi! How’s your day going today?” just to get a conversation started off and create an opportunity to connect with someone, where no opportunity existed before.
You’ll find that if you do this every time you shop you’ll start doing it when you’re not paying money, perhaps to train ticket inspectors or airport security staff.
Eventually, you’ll feel comfortable enough to start a conversation with a stranger when you are sat next to them on a park bench or standing behind them in a queue. This is because you’ll have been building up your conversational competence the whole time, which in turn develops your confidence. And that's when the fun really starts...
“An ounce of action is worth a ton of theory” –Friedrich Engels, Social Scientist.
Keep reading to see Secret 22...!
SECRET 22
THE NEXT STEP IN CONVERSATIONAL MASTERY
I know... I promised you 21 secrets and here I am yammering on about secret 22 but here’s the deal: The secrets contained in this book will take you from socially inept all the way to the point where you have to beat off new friends with a stick and screen your calls to avoid the downpour of invitations to events and parties.
HOWEVER, it’s only a fraction of what I have to teach you on the topic of conversation and charisma. I want you to become one of the rare masters of conversation who lights up the faces of everybody they meet within minutes.
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