How To Talk To Anyone Without Fear of Rejection
PART 2: KEEPING A CONVERSATION MOVING FORWARDS
Okay, I’ll come clean: There is a good universal opening ‘line’ after all. It’s “Hi! How are you today?”
It works in most situations when you want to get someone’s attention, although there are a few exceptions, such as when you want to stop somebody who is walking. Or canoeing.
What makes this line so effective is that it instantly gets the other person to start investing their time in you as they answer. And most people will answer positively because they have been socially conditioned to do so. After all, they hear “Hi! How are you today?” every time they get seated at a restaurant or check into a hotel.
I remember my friend Andrew always used to use this to start conversations with people sat at cash registers. I also remembered that when I tried to use it I never had much success: the conversation always ran out of steam a few seconds after they answered.
This brings me to an important point: you can have the best (or worst) opening line in the world and it won’t make a lick of difference to how well you succeed in the ensuing conversation.
A line is only useful to get somebody’s attention: that’s approximately 3 seconds of your entire communication. In this section we’re going to look at what happens next and 7 tips on how to make your conversations actually go somewhere, rather than fall flat.
SECRET 8
WHY CONVERSATIONS IN THE PRESENT GO NOWHERE
Newsflash: Conversations that stay rooted in the present moment will die. That means if the topic of your conversation is grounded on observations that are in the present moment, then you’ve got about 20 seconds left before your dialogue takes a nosedive and grinds to a halt.
If you’ve ever been stood next to a stranger in an art gallery and made an off –the-cuff comment about a painting, perhaps something like “Wow! That’s an amazing painting....it looks so pretty”, you may have found the stranger smiled, agreed and that was that.
This is the scourge of small talk: starting a conversation only for it to falter and leave you to sit in an awkward silence. It would’ve been easier to say nothing at all. And sadly, that’s what most of us do.
This happens when the conversation doesn’t get moved from the present moment into a past or future tense. I’m sure you’re familiar with this basic concept of the three
dimensions of time; if not then go rent out that 1980’s blockbuster ‘Back to the Future’ and get educated.
When we move the conversation into the future or the past that conversation will develop very nicely. If I say “Wow! That’s an amazing painting, the artist must have studied for many years and I bet he made a small fortune when he sold it!” then I have moved the conversation into the past. Not only am I expanding on the topic at hand, it also gives the other person lots of opportunities to latch onto so they can chime in with their own opinions and insights.
Likewise, I can move the conversation into the future, this time playfully: “Wow! That’s an amazing painting! You know what- we should try to steal it. You create a distraction and I’ll lift it off the wall and sneak it out the gallery... we’ll split the proceeds fifty-fifty!” Suddenly, we’ve turned a casual observation into something much more entertaining because we’ve given it more directions to progress in.
To direct a conversation into the past, use a phrase like: “That reminds me.” To move a conversation into the future, use a phrase such as: “Wow! You know what we should do?” ‘Nuff said.
SECRET 9
THE TRICK TO GRABBING A LISTENER’S ATTENTION
Have you ever been in that situation where you strike up a conversation and it goes well to begin with but then you suddenly lose the attention of the listener? It might seem like it started off well, but perhaps you got maybe 20 seconds in and then it just died? Perhaps the exchange came to a close because a question you asked was answered; maybe you shared a funny observation, or made a witty remark, which was warmly received -but then nothing else came along to push the banter forward.
When that happens you might be left in a situation where it feels a bit strange to try to put more effort into the conversation any further because it would feel like you’re trying too hard to satisfy an ulterior motive other than just being friendly.
What we need is a natural reason to keep talking and take us out of this limbo. Happily, there is such a thing and it’s called a ‘transition.’ A transition is the unspoken agreement of both people in the conversation to find out a bit more about each other, without any sense of pressure.
There are numerous ways to get this sense of agreement. A very effective method is to verbally reward the behavior of the other person for answering your question or laughing at your joke.
After hearing the answer to a question you posed, you might add: “Thank you so much! I could tell you were a good citizen.” This reward now gives you a genuine reason to reinitiate the conversation again: “Are you always this friendly... or did I happen to catch you at a good moment? Let me bend your ear for a second...”
In case you’re wondering what sort of verbal reward is best, you can’t go wrong with a compliment -the more personal the better. If you ask somebody the time and say “thanks” it’s not very personal, but if you add: “you’re one in a million” it’s a lot more specific.
It’s possible that any reaction they give to your icebreaker can be met by approval and that in itself will bridge the gap into natural conversation. It’s almost as if it you have to go through this invisible barrier in order to get a sense of freedom to talk about what you want, without a feeling of awkwardness in the background that things should be drawing to a close.
It’s worth noting that you won’t always need to make a transition to keep your conversations running. If you exude enough passion and joyful enthusiasm as you speak, sometimes your listener will want to find out more about you. The emotional energy you bring into their otherwise gloomy day can really suck their attention. When that happens, don’t be surprised if they naturally transition the conversation towards you.
SECRET 10
HOW TO NEVER RUN OUT OF THINGS TO SAY
Conversations are kept alive by expanding further on topics that are being spoken about. These topics are what we call ‘offers’, as in: ‘an offer to carry on the conversation for a bit longer’.
An offer is any interesting titbit that we can scoop up and talk about further. For example, let’s assume someone said to us “...my cat sat on a mat”, you should be able to spot three offers that immediately lend themselves to further discourse.
Let’s see: we could continue adding to that conversation by talking about either i) ‘cats’; ii) ‘sitting’ or iii) ‘mats’. Here’s an example with all 3 offers put to use:
“Oh really? Is it a big cat? They seem to take up so much more space when they’re sitting down! Mind you my cat always seems to lie down and sleep, or walk about in a very lazy way. When I was younger we used to try sitting on the mat by our door too. Unfortunately, it was one of those mats with those spiky bristles, like you sometimes got at school, and it was never comfortable to spend any time on; especially when the postman delivered the mail and it fell on my head...!”
You may have noticed from that passage that we make ourselves new offers as we talk. For instance, we could build on that conversation further by talking about ‘being lazy’, ‘school’, ‘postman’, or ‘mail’. Expanding on any of those offers would keep the flow of conversation moving along nicely.
Offers invariably get introduced into conversation from either your mouth or the person you are speaking to. This means if you are listening properly you shouldn’t run out of new offers to talk about.
People’s conversations are littered with offers. If somebody says that they went skiing in the Alps, then we could talk about our opinions on skiing and mountains, and ‘presto!’ a new discussion will begin to take shape.
Sometimes an offer will just leap out at you from the existing conversation. These are always the best offers to talk about. See if you can pick out the most obvious offer in this sentence:
“A man was chased by a rhinoceros”
If you guessed ‘rhinoceros’, well done, award yourself a gold star! Now start talking about them. If you know absolutely nothing about rhinos then you can still have an opinion about them:
“Wow! I’ve never seen a rhino, not even in the zoo; they sound like they must be scary! Other things that scare me are....”
If you still run out of things to say then you can fall back on the idea that everything around you is an offer too! Do me a favour and look around you for something that you can’t actually talk about; something that you can’t even have an opinion on.
You can talk about everything! The problem is that we decide not to talk about random stuff because we don’t think we’ll be able to say anything good about it. When this happens we start looking for something better to talk about. That’s a one-way ticket to being at a loss for words. What makes something good or bad as a conversational subject is the enthusiasm you attach to it.
I’m looking around as I write this and on my desk is a little speck of dusk. It’s very easy to dismiss, and maybe doesn’t lend itself to amazing discussion, but that’s just a matter of opinion. The first uncensored thing I think of when I see dust is a cobweb; the next thing I think of when I think of cobwebs is haunted houses and ghosts. My imagination just chose to go down that mental route of association and made some offers for me.
Let’s see that in action:
“I have a speck of dust on my desk! It must have been part of some old spider’s cobweb. That’s great: first cobwebs and now spiders to deal with. Or maybe it’s just that I live in a haunted house... the last thing I need is a ghost trying to spook me as I try to sleep at night! Why couldn’t it be useful and go and make me some hot chocolate...?”
The key principal is that we do not censor our offers. The main reason we don’t talk about what our imagination creates for us is that we tend to do this when we are afraid of looking silly and our ego could be dented. When we censor ourselves our offers get blocked too. If we can accept what our mind can create for us then the conversation will positively flow.
Welcome the ideas generated by your own mind and bounce off them. If I asked you to think of a tiger sitting in a tree I’m sure you’d have to imagine one first in order to think of it. I’m sure you added other details too, like what shape and colour the tree was and what expression the tiger had on its face. That’s additional content that your imagination has filled in, which you can talk about and expand upon further. Accepting your own offers is the secret to flowing into easy and natural conversations.
SECRET 11
THE POWER OF BEING AGREEABLE
Have you ever heard a charming person being referred to as ‘agreeable’? It’s quite an old fashioned term nowadays but it does echo one truth: that those who consent or submit are pleasing to converse with.
The most powerful approach you can possess in a conversation is one that is in a state of acceptance and agreement. That means you take on board what somebody says and then you talk about it further. By doing this you are humbly accepting their offer, or topic, and agreeing to welcome it for further discussion.
Bill: "...On Saturday I went to see the new monkey enclosure at the zoo!"
Ted: "Oh really? I wish I could’ve seen it as I love monkeys! I think I was a kid the last time I actually went to the zoo, when we visited Thailand."
A mind of acceptance would take an offer in the sentence, probably ‘monkeys’ or ‘zoo’ and talk about either of those subjects. This not only helps to move the conversation forward but keeps the emotional energy of the conversation buoyant too.
Poor conversationalists do not welcome new offers into their conversation. Instead, they choose to listen to what some says and then talk about their own idea. This is called blocking. For example, Bill could mention that he visited the zoo to see the monkeys, and his friend Ted might pleasantly nod ...then change the subject to talk about a place he recently visited:
Bill: "...Last Saturday I went to see the new monkey enclosure at the zoo!"
Ted: "Oh really? I spent last weekend visiting my parents..."
Instead of talking about Bill or the zoo trip, Ted talks about himself and so flow will be lost from the conversation. The blocking of offers in this way causes conversations to become less spirited and eventually dry up because no growth is happening. It may look pleasant on the surface, and people may be nodding and smiling but when offers get rejected it causes the ‘flow’ of the conversation to stop moving forward and they gradually begin to fall apart.
By flow I’m talking about that experience you get when you’re talking with close friends, perhaps you’re having a beer or watching television, and you’re just hanging out and being friendly. You may have noticed that you never have to really work at conversations in those situations. The reason is because everyone feels comfortable and nobody feels like they have to get their word across anyone else’s. No-one’s pride is at stake so everybody yields and the conversation effortlessly grows. Therefore, it’s pride that prevents flow from happening with everybody we speak to because it stops us accepting offers. When our ego is in control it wants us to maintain our superior self-image and encourages us to get the final word in.
Blocking and rejecting is a very subtle form of aggression. Most irritations, arguments and fights with other people begin in this way. If you’re ever worried about getting into a clash, it’ll only really happen if one party disagrees with another, even on a subtle level. If you want to avoid conflict always agree and accept what people say. The only thing that can ever get hurt is your ego. If you can live without ego you can live your life free to navigate conversations effortlessly, as I do.
SECRET 12
THERE ARE NO BAD ANSWERS, JUST BAD REACTIONS
We tend to think there are good and bad answers to questions. When we ask somebody a question we often have an answer in mind that we are looking for. For example, I may ask somebody if they like mountain biking, hoping they do so I can entertain them with a few personal anecdotes about it. Although it’s nice when people say ‘yes’, occasionally they’ll be unable to relate to my question: they may even utterly hate mountain biking, possibly leaving me at a loss for words.
It’s very common for us to pre-empt answers like this, and it really screws up our conversational flow when we don’t hear an answer we want. For instance, I really like to travel to new countries. Now let’s say I ask you a simple question about my passion to build some commonality:
“Hey! Do you like travelling?”
If you replied “yes” (as I secretly hoped) I might then easily add something like: “Me too! There are still so many places I want to see! Last year I visited Europe for six weeks“. At this point, the conversation would be ticking over nicely.
However, what if you replied “no”?
No problem, I could always accept that as an equally valid answer and make a positive statement about it. For example: “Well, I accept that it’s not everyone’s cup of tea. Travelling is fun but I always think there is no place quite like home! I really do love getting back and waking up in my own bed again”.
I’ve looked for some area of common agreement by trying to empathize with them: if they dislike travel they must like staying at home! Such a response should keep the conversation flowing nicely because we both love our home-life too. In fact, a great way to handle any answer positively is to smile and say “Hey! You know what...?” That little line can keep you in a conversation for hours because it forces you to say something positive about whatever you hear! More about that later.
Let’s say I asked you that same travel question from before and you responded unexpectedly with “Only when I get to choose where I go!” That’s not a yes or no answer – and it’s definitely not what I was anticipating but it doesn’t really matter because I can respond: “Hey! You know what? I think that’s probably the best way to go about things. I remember having to make a trip to Las Vegas and I really hated it, because I was pressured into it...”
Now, let’s pretend you gave me a really stinking answer to my travel question. Perhaps I caught you on a bad day and you replied caustically: “mind your own business!” At this stage most conversations would crumble. However, if we just accept that answer as the one we were actually looking for, we’ll have a reasonable chance to keep things moving and hopefully rescue the situation: “Hey! You know what? I’m often getting into trouble for asking that! Only last week a Hollywood movie producer told me to ‘shoo off’ because I interrupted his conversation!”
Any answer you get in a conversation is good. This is because it’s all about how you react to what they say, which makes the difference.
SECRET 13
HOW TO USE QUESTIONS AND STATEMENTS EFFECTIVELY
In a conversation you’ll be doing one of two things as you speak: asking questions or making statements: that’s it. Asking questions helps you find things to talk about. Making statements allows you to express yourself to the other person and control the vibe of the conversation. The vibe is the underlying emotion of the conversation.
It’s very difficult to express yourself emotionally with a question because they’re just too short: the notorious ‘?’ at the end of the sentence caps them off. For example, if I ask the question “do you like dogs?” I only have four measly words at my disposal to express my emotional vibe effectively. It’s going to be pretty tough to make someone feel happy by asking a question (marriage proposals are an exception!)
However, if you use a statement to express the same sentiment: “I absolutely love dogs! They’re the most fun pets in the world! I get so much joy when I see a dog wag its tail!” I can deliver a lot more of my vibe across to the other person. Now, I know by reading that you can’t appreciate the emotion in that sentence when I uttered it, but you should be able to see how much more capacity those extra words allow me to express my emotions.
Questions shouldn’t be avoided altogether though as they are very important for keeping a conversation going. Nevertheless, it’s very common for people to get stuck in a cycle of asking ‘a question after a question after a question’. You’ll know what I mean if you’ve met somebody new and the exchange feels more like an interview or, worse, an interrogation.
Poor conversations involve stacking questions, one after the other, like this:
“What’s your name?” “What do you do?” “Where are you from?”
I’ve certainly been guilty of doing this. I recall spending my first few weeks at university cycling questions like that to other freshmen and it exhausted the vibe from my conversations quickly. Perhaps this has happened to you and you were left with a conversation that took real effort to maintain until it burnt out.
Happily, this problem is incredibly easy to avoid. From now on, whenever you ask somebody a question, make a statement based on the answer they give you.
For example, if I ask somebody where they are from and they reply “California”, I’ll simply make a statement about what I hear:
“Really? California is one of those places I’d love to go in the next twelve months. I hear it’s sunny almost every day and a great place to develop a surfing habit. I’ve also wanted to see San Francisco...”
It’s important to realize that I don’t necessarily have any first hand experience of California, but those were the first things I thought of, so I shared them in a statement. This breaks the conversation up and makes it feel less like an interview, until my next question invariably pops up: “Have you ever been to San Francisco?” From there, the conversation rolls along nicely.
In a nutshell: Statements add emotional value to conversations, questions help to keep the exchange moving forwards. If you get stuck just making statements the conversation will be very one sided and people will find it difficult to connect with you. Similarly, if you just ask questions it causes the conversation to become tiring. The best bet is to have a mix of both, by making statements based on the answers you get from any questions you ask.
SECRET 14
A CRAFTY TECHNIQUE TO KEEP A CONVERSATION GOING
Wouldn’t it be great if a stock phrase existed, which you could consistently use to keep a conversation progressing along nicely?
Well, there is! My friend Jermain taught me this: “Oh really? Hey, do you know what...?”
Using this line will cause you to automatically acknowledge what your counter-part says (the ‘oh really?’ part), and then add your opinion to it. This will cause the conversation to develop because you are being agreeable and relating to the other person:
“I really had fun at the beach yesterday.” “Oh really? Hey you know what... I think some of my happiest memories are playing in the sand.”
“Yeah, I loved playing with my bucket and spade.”
“Oh really...? I remember losing mine when I buried it under a dune. I don’t think I’ve ever quite gotten over the loss!”
Now this doesn’t mean you should rely on this sentence continuously, otherwise you will sound like a robot; it’s just a nice technique to have at your disposal to make you more agreeable and build rapport quickly.
To incorporate this line into your repertoire, make a point of saying “Oh really? Hey you know what...?” the next few times in response to someone else, perhaps after you have asked them a question. After a few attempts you will find it rapidly becomes part of your natural repertoire.
Commentaires